Post by á¹á´Subject: Letter From Saphire
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Date: 1999/05/09
Big Emma is back.
I don know iffin you remembers or not but bout 2 years ago, I was
runnin a hi class ho house in East LA. My name is Big Emma an de name
of de place is Big Emmas Ho house. It was de best mutha fuckin ho
house on de entire block. Anyway, cause some no count mutha fuckin
nigga hatin judge throwed the book at Ol Emma just cause he got
hisself a dose of de clap, I done spent the last couple years in de
bighouse. While I was up de river, my sister Saphire tried to keep the
bidnezz going, but dat dum bitch ain't got de sense God gave a crapper
handle. She wrote me a letter every week tellin me what kinda shit was
goin on an from de kinda shit dat she was talkin bout, it looked like
she was fuckin me stead of de customers. Here is one of de letters dat
she wrote.
Deer Emma.
How de fuck is you? I sure hopes dat you is gittin outta dat place
soon. Runnin a ho house sure de fuck ain't perzackly the easiest thing
I ever did. They is a lot of shit dat I ain't figgered out how to do
so I will jist have to let it go till you gits out. Yestiddy morning,
de fuckin summa bitch dat looks at dat little mutha fuckin lectrical
doo-dad on de side of de house came by an said dat lessen I pays him a
hunnert bucks, he gonna pull my peter. You is de only mutha fucka
alive what knows dat Ol Saphire here gotta little peter right under
neath my cootchie. I been real careful bout hidin the mutha fucka when
some cocksucka is gittin in my drawers. I asked the mutha fucka how de
fuck he knowed bout my private stuff. He tol me dat you pays de mutha
fuckas every month just so he wont pull my peter. Well dis mutha fucka
gonna git his ass stomped now. I tol him dat I was gonna pull his
mutha fuckin peter off if he didn't git his white ass offen de
property. I sicked pork-chop on his ass an de last time I seed him,
dat fuckin dawg was hangin on his ass like your old drawers. Emma, I
sure is sorry bout dis. You members dat fuckin hobo, Moses Jackson?
Well de cocksucka comed by here bout a month ago an was lookin like he
ain't had a bath since we comed to Californey. I felt sorry for de
mutha fucka an let him stay in your room for a couple days. Me an him
was sittin roun de place last week an he had kilt bout three or four
bottles of Ripple. De more Ripple dat mutha fucka drank, de more he
was lookin at Ol Saphires ass. Well de first thing I knows dat mutha
done wipped out two hands full of pecker an was lookin like he was
aimin to use it on somebody. I was on de fuckin rag an dint want dat
dirty son of a bitch stickin dat home wrecker up my ass, so I tol him
dat I would gib him a blow job iffin he would git de fuck out after he
blowed his beans. He said Hell yes an started grabbin my hair an
pullin my head down roun dat dirty pecker of his. Dat mutha fuckin
hunk of meat stunk so bad dat every time he tried to plug up Ol
Saphires cake hole, I turned my head an he would miss. I guess he
finally got tired of missin an crammed bout haf dat dick in my ear
hole. Dat is what caused all de fuckin problems wid dat mutha fucka
what said he was gonna pull my peter. I foun out later dat he said
meter stead of peter. I knowed dat sumptin been soundin funny but I
sure de fuck dint know dat Moses had poped his nut in my ear an
plugged de mutha fucka up. An de bad part is dat since I figgered dat
you done went an tol de whole fuckin world bout my little peter, I tol
Calhoun dat de time he passed out buck nekkid in de alley an sumbody
tied his ass up, you was de one dat smeared de cat food on his dick.
Dat pore mutha fucka still cant use his pecker an he said dat he was
gonna kill yo ass iffin you ever got out of de big house. I been tryin
to tell him dat you dint do it but the mutha fucka says dat you is de
only bitch what ever drunk his ass under the table an dat you is just
mean enuff to try an get a cat to rip his pecker out just cause he
gave you de clap dat time. Emma, dat is one mad mutha fucka so watch
yo ass.
Yo sister, Saphire.
You see folks, Ol Emma gettin fucked no matter what she do. Will tell
yall mutha fuckas some more later.
Big Emma Herself.
Post by á¹á´Well folks, we had one hell of a time here dis morning. Damn near
burnt the fuckin place down. As you mutha fuckas know, Ol' Big Emma
got her a cat house here in East LA. We sells jus about every kind of
fuckin they is. We got straight, 69, roun the world, hurricane bessie,
climb the mountain, and the rest of the usual styles of poppin a nut.
Most runs bout ten bucks. We also has a style of fuckin not all mutha
fuckas is capable of handlin. This is kinda secret and you gotta be in
shape and have a strong stomach afore you can even think of askin bout
it. Us pros calls it the flame thrower. And it ain't cheap neither.
The last mutha fucka what survived it, by the time he paid his doctor
bill and fixed all the busted up shit in the bedroom had dropped bout
eight hundred bucks. He's still in a nursin home but the county is
pickin up the tab now. Ol' Emma stopped over to see him bout a week
ago. The fuckin son of a bitch throwed his wheel chair at me and it
took three of them big mutha fuckin orderlies to tie his ass back
down. Now here at the Ho House, not all out bizness is on the
weekends. We got a slew of bizness mens what likes a little action
during the day. They rides over in they big cars and has em a nooner.
We tries to keep the place respectible for em, bein they is used to a
higher class of livin. We changes the sheets once a day and empties
the slop buckets two or three times stead of when they starts to run
over. This kind of first class service costs extra, so we generally
keeps a high class type of mutha fucka here during the day. Now this
morning this fat little cracker comes in and asks Ol' Big Emma if she
ever heard of somethin called a flame thrower fuck. I didn't want to
give out any trade secrets so I plays dumb and asks him jus what the
fuck is he talkin about. Well this little white ass mutha fucka tells
me that he heard about it from listenin in on a couple of brothers who
was bull shittin over where he works. Seems that these two bruthas
works for him and was takin a break in the crapper while he was parked
on the throne. Musta been that mutha fucka Leroy Rogers. He is the
only son of a bitch that I knowed of what was able to keep on workin
after having a round of the flame thrower. Well anyway I tol this
little cracker that I didn't think that he really wanted to try the
flame thrower. Well fuck me with a two by four if he didn't pull out a
wad of greenbacks and a fist full of dick that made Ol' Big Emma
forget jus how bad this kind of fuckin can be. Most mutha fuckas
woulda had to pay about two hundred bucks plus two hundred bucks for a
security deposit. This fat lil son of a bitch peeled off a thousand
bucks like he was buyin a hot dog. As it turned out that jus what he
was doin. I took his cash and sent him down to the infirmery. We got a
strict rule bout checkin blood pressure afore we gets down to this
kinda bizness. The little mutha fucka takes his five hundred dollah
suit off and stands there buck nekkid with a hard on that would choke
Ol' Big Emma herself. That mutha fucka took so much blood to keep it
up that the little sucka didn't hardly have no blood pressure left to
measure. Well he passed the test and thats when things started to go
to hell. Now my best flame thrower gal was down with the clap so I had
to send him to see Ruby. She been involed in one flame thrower in the
past, an she only got minor burns roun her lips so I figured she
knowed what she was doin. When one of my gals gives a flame thrower,
she generally ain't worth a shit for a couple of weeks after that. Ol'
Ruby been a buggin me bout gettin some time off so she could go to the
hospital and gets some hemeriods tooken care of. So she was real
anxious to take on the job. Well she gets herself ready and calls the
little cracker in to her room. Now you got to understan, a flame
thrower is bout as dangerous as you can get. Ol' Ruby ties this mutha
fucka up and hangs him up by the feet usin a rope runnin thru a hook
in the ceilin. He is hangin there with his dick stuck out one side an
his asshol hangin out the other. Ruby starts by dumpin bout a half a
bottle of ripple in his asshole. This gives the mutha fucka a nice
hard on and Ruby grabs a holt to it and starts spinnin him roun,
stirin all that ripple up real good. Then she starts blowin in his
asshole till he puffed up like a road kill dog on a hot day. Thats
when the fun starts, or at least it is suppose to. What is suppose to
happen is that the gal starts blowin on the mutha fuckas dick while
holdin a bic lighter next to his asshole. When the mutha fucka blows
his wad he get so weak that he can't hold the fart back no longer.
Then he lights off like a rocket an go flyin aroun in a circle while
the gal is hangin on to his pecker an hollerin like she on a roller
coaster ride. Well wouldn't you know it, the mutha fuckin rope broke
at the same time that the little cracker blows his beans. They went
flyin across the room and busted thru the door, shootin flames three
feet outten his asshole, settin fire to just about everything in the
fuckin place. He finally ran out of gas down on third avenue at the do
step of the holey roller church. Them motha fuckas thought that it was
a miracle happenin and started rollin up an down the flo, while that
fat little mutha fucka was screamin at the top of his lungs. Ol Ruby
wasn't in much better shape either. She had let go of this mutha fucka
about halfway down the street and got pretty well fucked up when she
landed in the middle of a bunch of winos. Gawdamn, they thought they
had died and gone to heaven. Pussy rolled in ripple. Have mercy!!! The
fire department put the fire out and we bout got the mess cleaned up.
Ain't seen that fat little mutha fucka anymore, but you can bet yo
ass, he gonna remember the flame thrower for a long time.
See yall later.
Big Emma herself.